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Sunday, June 20, 2004

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Dear Amy,


Yesterday, and last night Laura and I celebrated the two year anniversary of the day we met. It was on Father's Day, 2002 on the Royal Caribbean ship "Enchantment of the Seas". Our meeting on the ship was the best example of serendipity I can think of. It was the beginning of my new life. It was the beginning of love in my life. Except for the love you and I shared as parent and child, there had been no love in my life for too many years. I have come to understand that there never was any love in the marriage - we had merely been "tolerating" each other and wasting life.

The picture I posted earlier of you and the duckling reminded me of when you found that fuzzy little creature, and how we went looking for the nest it wandered away from so that we could return it to its nest, which we never found. We put the little duck in a cardboard box and you nurtured and loved it better than any small girl could ever have loved her orphaned duckling.

The mandate from your mother was that you had to "....get rid of that duck!" It wouldn't have hurt anything if you had been able to keep it for just one more day, but ultimately, we would have to find a place for it. Her solution was to put in the yard, under a bush. It was summer. It was hot. There were stray cats and dogs. You refused, and I supported you....because you were right.

I found a bird shelter in Woodstock, phoned the woman who maintained it, and together, you and I began the long, sad drive to surrender your duckling. You tried to imagine ways to keep it, and the wheels in your mind were spinning furiously as you tried to think of places where you could hide it. I enjoyed your willingness to assume the risks involved with keeping the duck, and was impressed by your love of the little duck.

When we got there, we met the woman who ran the shelter for birds which had been injured came out to meet us. She was in her late 40's or early 50's, wore blue jeans, and was wearing a broad brimmed straw hat. She lived on that property alone, and her passion was the care of injured birds. She peered into the box you carried and pronounced your duck to be a healthy baby which had waddled too far from home.

You carried your duck in its box as she gave us the tour of her home and the many birds she was caring for. You were not going to relinquish your duck easily!

She showed us robins, starlings, a cockatoo, a couple of crows, and even a red-tailed hawk. Most had been shot.

Still carrying your duckling you headed for the car when the tour was over, and the woman went after you and patiently explained that she was better able to care for it than almost anyone else.
You asked her if you could visit your duck, and she said that you could visit it anytime. I enjoyed seeing how you had resolved to hang onto the little duck which meant the world to you!!



You tearfully handed her the box containing your duck, and she put her arm around you. You asked her if you could help her take care of the birds. You knew that I would drive you out there because it was something which was important to you

She told you that her biggest challenge was paying for the food and medical care the birds required. You quickly spotted her "donation jar" and asked if I would give her some money. You promised that you would pay me back if I would give her money. I told you that I loved the duck too, and would happily donate funds. I gave you some money ($6.00, I think), and told you that you didn't have to pay me back.

You were very sad and crying when we drove away, but you recognized that the duck would be well cared for.

On the way home, you started making plans for future visits and imagining ways to make money and contribute to the cause of saving the birds. We made one more trip out there, and I think that the duck had matured and flown away by then.


Since today is Father's Day, and since you are forbidden by your mother to acknowledge any part of me, I am considering today to be "Daughter's Day". Years ago, I invented "Kid's Day" because you saw mothers and fathers being celebrated, but not kids. I picked a day at random and made a card and bought you a gift, and the tradition of "KID'S DAY" was born.

Laura has given me a Father's Day on your behalf.

Here is a picture of the button you gave me in a card one Father's Day - it works just as well for Daughter's Day:





With all of my love,


Bub

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Tuesday, June 15, 2004

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Dear Amy,




"The worst of the 5.2 magnitude earthquake was to tilt Renoir and knock a few things off of the mantel!"

I just experienced my first California earthquake!! It happened 8 minutes ago at 3:30pm PST. It felt and sounded like a car or truck hit the building. First, a single loud crash, followed in rapid succession by several more loud bangs. Several pictures were abruptly tilted on the walls, and several more were toppled from their shelves. The building shook.

I looked out the bay window to the west to see if any vehicles were embedded in the lower condos. As I looked out of the window, I noticed that the birdcage was swinging, as was the chandelier, and the water I was drinking was slopping around in its glass. So was the water in my bucket of Spic and Span.

There was a "..whole lotta shakin' goin' on!!"

I realized that it was an earthquake and decided to leave for the street. All of my observations above took place in a second or less!!

A clamor of Spanish words carried through the air on excited voices from places which have been unseen by me before today, and are still unknown to me now. People were out on the sidewalk, chattering in increasingly frantic staccato bursts of Espanol.

Being inherently COOL, having done my time in a British boarding school in Australia, I did not want to appear unduly impressed by my first CA earth-surfing event. I grabbed a bundle of old newspapers and tried to appear casual as I made my way out of the building and into the street.

Upon reflection, it really did sound as if the building had cracked like a stick. The initial sound of the first shock was loud and sharp. I was surprised that it was so violent-sounding, and that there had been nothing to precede it.

Remembering the word "aftershocks" from news reports I had read when I lived in Illinois, I decided to walk around a the block rather than loiter in the street like a frightened sheep. Besides, the only language being spoken in the street at the time was frenzied Spanish, and the fever pitch of the conversation had grown to include wild gestures and much making of the sign of the cross. Not being a cross-signer either, I departed the frightened Mardi Gras in the street and went around the block.

I've straightened the pictures and photos and replaced the ones which fell over. It's quiet in La Jolla now, and the people in the street are laughing and smiling warm, toothy smiles, no doubt denying that they were frightened. I'm going back to cleaning the kitchen floor!

It turned out to be a magnitude 5.2 earthquake, centered about 40 miles Southwest of San Diego, in the Pacific Ocean.

I've now been "baptized" by earthquake, so I am now an official Californian.

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Dear Amy,

Here's an Orwellian horror to consider. I didn't think of it before now because it is not something I would use on anyone except an enemy. Since it can be easily installed and polled remotely, I imagine that you might know a person who would use such stuff. It may be a never-ending source of amusement for a very strange, bored little man sitting alone at night in his hotel room in some distant city.

Does this seem plausible?


A search for exe files with "ms" prefixes will reveal whether it's on your PC. Msmsgs.exe is a prime canidate for suspicion. My guess is that it is, and every keystroke you've made at your PC has been monitored. Disgusting!!

eye with lines.bmp

caveat IM, caveat email, caveat online searching.

(Imagine that "someone" may have been reading all of your IM's, the replies to your IM's, your email letters and the replies to them, and watching every site you visit on the internet.)

I don't want to make you paranoid, but rather want to alert you to the possibility that "they're watching". Go carefully forward with your life at home and school, but never stop going forward. As soon as they can scare you into thinking they will kick you out after your 18th birthday and you won't be able to graduate with your class, or that college won't be paid for if you have any contact with me, they've won and you will have surrendered a piece of your soul to them.

Short Dorf is going to report to Princess Die that you've been telling me about the threats they've made, but anyone who knows her will know that she will ALWAYS go straight to the parts of your life and happiness which she can control, and will figuratively hang them over the cliff, threatening to destroy them. For the record...you've told me NOTHING!

Her code of behavior is "If she can't win, then everybody has to lose!". Her modus operandi is to threaten to take away, limit, disfigure, or otherwise destroy the very things which you need to be happy. She is happiest when you are unhappy because she feels powerful and somehow, "needed". Her existence is validated and defined by the misery she causes.

Between now and when you turn 18, you have some important personal choices to make. I will always love you, whichever choice you make. I hope that you will choose to stand up for your own dignity, and your own freedoms, and will not allow her to continue to blame you for her own shortcomings, or for her odd suspicions and angry paranoia.

She has brewed herself quite a kettle of trouble.

Now, I'm just sitting here looking out my window, at the blue, sparkling Pacific Ocean........waiting. Waiting for 2:30PM PST to hear the latest from my lawyer.

After so many years, waiting finally feels good because there is purpose to my patience now.

Waiting..........just waiting.

If that atrocious spying program was installed on your home PC.....Short Dorf will race to remove it before you find it. They'll both deny any knowledge of it. I'll let you know how to do some basic hard drive forensics so that you can see if anything evil or underhanded has been done to your PC. In fact, you can see about 95.% of what's been placed on your hard drive!!


PestPatrol is the only program I know of which will find that program and remove it from your PC.


with my love,


Your daddy.


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Sunday, June 13, 2004

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Dear Amy,

Laura and I sat at home and watched the California segment of the Reagan burial. As the camera showed the sun setting, we could look out our western bay window to see it setting...live.
Finally, when they showed the sun drop below the mountains, we looked out and saw that the sun was still above the Pacific!(We can look at at the ocean 3 blocks away from the West side of our place....)

Yesterday, we went to a Greek festival in downtown San Diego, and got into the Greek Wedding thing.....lambs being roasted on spits, saganaki, baklava, loukoumades, spanikopita.....and much much more. (Do you remember the awful smell of flaming Saganaki in the Village Squire restaurant in McHenry? Do you remember when you were a very small child, pointing to a huge woman and saying loudly and exuberantly "There's the really big one!!"?

There was a live band at the festival playing Greek music, and we were even ready to get up and dance with the Greek dancers, but there was not an opportunity to do so. (Yes.....I am happy to dance with her!)

Laura and I shared a (large) glass of Ouzo, which is fairly beastly stuff unless you've been brought up with it. The idea behind going there was to have a good time and try new things, which is the way Laura and I live life. We accomplished both goals!

I hope that you can relax a bit now that your ACT's are behind you.


Here are a few pictures taken at the festival, and on the street outside of it.


"Cute, huh? English version...note the steering wheel


"74 Mini"


"Cool old Lincoln Continental"









"St. Spyridon Greek Orthodox Church"





This little girl reminded us of "Tula"


"The church.....from a different perspective"




"Inside the Greek Orthodox Church"



"OPA!!"



There was much more going on at the festival, but since we were having fun, there was no time for pictures!

It will always be difficult, writing to you here, so in your mother's game of Child = Pawn, your mother has "won". She will always "win" at that game because I will not play it. To me, you are a child of ours - not a pawn or a bargaining chip.

I wil not play in any game of hers in which you are the "pawn". She has been playing that game by herself.

I really miss you and your cheery personality!!

Notice how bright the sun and blue the sky is in San Diego ..........



With my love,

Bub


Wednesday, June 09, 2004

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Dear Amy,


Laura knows a couple of film producers she has hired in the past to produce documentary films for her company. There are screenwriters who live in La Jolla. I'm going to try to find them and pitch the idea of doing a made-for-TV movie about our life in the last 5 years.

She thinks it will make a best-selling book too. Nothing like our life exists anywhere in reality, so the story of our life is a hot commercial property because it is REAL!! I've begun writing about it, and when you get out from being sequestered behind the gilded Berlin Wall she's got around you , you can contribute your side of it. You will of course, get half of the money.

I'm merely trying to encourage your mother to voluntarily enable normal communication and visitation in time for the summer. I don't want to speak with her, and I'm certain that she feels the same about me.

I stand behind my statement that I will not disclose anything about the house to the new owners. It is my "wedding gift" to my ex-wife and her husband - their marriage does not need any additional strains.

The request for visitation will still go forward in the court, and there is much in the file now about the way your mother has treated you.

It is not generally believed that her methods, and treatment of you during and after the divorce are appropriate or desirable qualities to find in a person who is believed to be professionally trained and qualified to teach first grade children.

The Hawthorn School district has failed its children and their parents that she has been given responsibility for building the self-esteem of the children under her supervision, nurturing them as little individuals, caring for their emotional needs, and even assuring their physical safety and well-being.

The matter of visitation is still going before the judge as soon as my lawyer is ready. If your mother has not moved to allow us the freedoms which are normal to children and parents, it will confirm the contents of the file which is now in the Waukegan courthouse.

ALL I want is PEACE and normalcy!

Remember that my love for you is deep, and without conditions. I will always love you no matter what you don't do. I will love you for disagreeing with me or anyone. I will love you for having the sense of self to tell people "to "get over yourself" if they lie to you, or with whom you disagree.

You have the RIGHT to your own opinion, and you have the RIGHT to express it, and you have the RIGHT to tell ANYONE that you differ with them on ANY issue. If you know that expressing yourself openly will anger ANYONE....then it is your DUTY to express yourself and allow yourself to be free. You will increase your own self-esteem in quantum leaps when you begin to do that.

As long as you remain civil, you have the right to express your thoughts and your feelings. Failure to do so is the same as burying your individuality and creativity in six feet of dirt, from which place it cannot be seen or heard.

Ok........time for breakfast!


Love,


Daddy,
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Monday, June 07, 2004

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Dear Amester,

It's cool and gray here now - June Gloom has begun with force. It is so odd to see a pall of gray hanging in what should be an azure sky. The locals get pretty freaked out when it's overcast, and become morose and panicky on the two or three occasions when it rains in La Jolla. These people would be dangerous if they had to drive in snow or ice!!

Today has been tranquil........I've disengaged from the fray. I still feel very good because of that! If there was a war, but no one came to it...would both sides win, or would both sides have to lose?

I'm still eager to hear about you and your life during the past years, and I'd love to see photos of you. I know that you went to Prom, and I would love to see those photos too! More than anything, I want to hear your voice and see your face and give you a big hug and tell you that I love you!

I want you to know that my love for you is as deep as can be and is completely unconditional. Whatever you do, I will always love you, and I feel that it is important for you to know that such love exists for you.

The times we shared were loving times, and they cannot be erased or legislated out of existence. I remember we foraged Northern Illinois on one of our many Beanie Baby hunts , you looked over at me with a very sweet, happy smile and said "I like doing this." "This is fun!". That memory is worth more than anything which money can buy.

As time has gone by, those memories emerge from the past occasionally, and they sustain me, and help me to be happy.

There have been times when I thought that you had been "re-programmed" by "therapists. I wondered if you had been instructed to hate me. I wondered why you sent so few letters, and why they were so sterile and devoid of feeling. I wondered why you never used the phone card I sent you. I almost sent you another one, but I didn't have enough money to be able to afford to have it thrown away.

There have been times when I felt that I was writing to no one and the few people who read what I wrote dismissed my writing as fiction. There were a couple of times when I almost stopped writing here. Both times, I realized that I had to keep trying to reach you. One thing "LOVE" means is that you never let the other person down, and will ALWAYS do anything and everything within your power to sustain that love and never give up on the other person. All of the memories of the fun we had overcame the pain of having you taken away.

I have never given up on you and I never will.

NEVER allow ANYONE to bully you. NEVER allow ANYONE to threaten you. NEVER be afraid to speak your mind, even if you know that it will anger other people. You have a RIGHT to speak your mind, and you have a RIGHT to have your thoughts and feelings heard and respected. Other people have the RIGHT to agree or disagree with you, but if they disagree with you, it DOES NOT MEAN THAT THEY ARE RIGHT AND YOU ARE WRONG!

Controlling people have elaborate "arbitrary rules-punishment-derision-reward scenarios which are always followed by another unhealthy dose of more arbitrary rules- more punishment-more derision- then a reward" cycles......ad infinitum....ad nauseum.

People who have to control others live in a false world where they have defined reality, and then seek to impose their definitions on everyone else. The biggest problem such people always run up against is that they cannot control everybody all of the time.

The inability to have a self based on reality, and the inability to control reality is what sends those people spinning into wild raging behavior.

If you walk away from such behavior, they have to focus that rage on someone else.


Well............enough of that. I wandered miles off of my intended purpose. I get emails from people all the time, asking how you're doing. Except for two or three people, the whole world is on your side.

I am receptive to a civil dialog to end the hate. Today my attorney advised me again to give them every opportunity to match my decision to move away from this awfulness.



With all of my love,


Bub

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Sunday, June 06, 2004

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Dear Amy,

Well.....it's 6/6/2004. A day of peace. My contribution to the peace effort is that I have decided not to contact the new occupants of the house - about anything - ever.

It would be an equally civilized gesture if normalcy was restored to our relationship, including regular visitations timed to coincide with your school holiday schedule. To that end, I've begun a process in the court to request that a legal visitation schedule be implemented in time for this summer.

I have to go through the court system because I am uncertain whether your mother will undertake such a plan voluntarily, and I want it to be a visitation which has legal consequences if it is not adhered to.

This pain and hate has been grinding away for too long. I am gratified to be the first one to take the first step necessary to bring an end to it.

The next step, if taken by your mother, is of equal importance. Should she choose not to take the next step, she would send a powerful message about herself.

I hope that your mother will find some relief in my gesture, and will match it by voluntarily allowing us freedom.

I will be in contact with my attorney tomorrow to let her know that she should continue to move forward through the legal system. One way or another, I want to have our relationship re-established, repaired, rekindled, and restored.

With my decision to remain silent, I have taken the first step. Will it be treated graciously or rudely? Either way, I have made the effort, and I feel very good about that.

I hope to see you soon..............


Love,


Bub


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Friday, June 04, 2004

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On June 6, 2004 at 9:00 A.M., the order of protection expires, and I have placed papers in file to request that any extension of it be denied, and that normal, uncensored, private correspsondence by post and by email be ordered by the court, and that uncensored, private, unmonitored telephone calls also be court-ordered if they are not voluntarily allowed, and that regular, normal visitation be established by the court to bring an end to the present situation.

The judge now has access to information and documents he has never seen or heard before, since previous orders were requested, issued and executed without my prior knowledge. There are people from the community who are willing to speak on my behalf, and in your behalf to ensure that the law guarantees that you are treated with respect, and that our ability to communicate is free, unrestricted, totally private, and uncensored, and that you are not placed under duress or hardship if you contact me.

Free, regular visitation, enforceable by law, has also been requested.

We have to be allowed to become "re-acquainted". We were a big part in each other's lives until we were abruptly separated.

Now it is time for all of us to move forward with our lives, letting the pain of the past go where it belongs - in the past.

I think that 6/6/2004 is a good day for everyone to draw in a deep breath and get on with life.

I hope that your mother will voluntarily cease to prevent your efforts to re-establish a normal, caring relationship with me, and will do everthing possible to facillitate it, including arranging for you to visit me in La Jolla as soon as you'd like to come.

The judge in the case has been made aware that you want to visit me here, and also that your mother stated to you that it was her intent to force you to La Jolla to live with me permanently because you made contact with me.

Much pain has been caused, and the time to end it is 6/6/2004 -sooner if it were legally possible.

Your mother should feel free to email me about anything if she desires to begin a civil dialog.


I am hoping (as always)................


Love,


Daddy

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Thursday, June 03, 2004

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Dear Amester,

Congratulations! You made it through another year, and you're ready for some Summer fun and kick-back time. Wanna come to La Jolla??? (see...I NEVER give up hoping!)

I love you and want you to have the opportunity to spend some time here so that we can "re-acquaint". You must have millions of questions for me....and I will answer every one of them truthfully.

I am concerned for you and everything about you - always have been and always will be!!


Love,

Bub


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Wednesday, June 02, 2004

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Dear Amy,

Another owlgram for you. I would really like it if you would call me. I don't understand why you haven't. I hope that finals are going well for you, and that you have fun plans for the summer. It would be nice if you could come here for a visit. I don't expect that such a visit will happen. In fact, I don't expect anything. I keep hoping, but I expect nothing.

Still, one does have to hope.

Just be who and what you know you are, and don't try to be who or what you are not.



love,

Bub

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The defects in that house were/are very real and have nothing at all to do with Amy, yet she's got Amy involved........or does she?

Since I haven't been able to communicate with Amy freely for more than four years, and since I'm 2,000 miles away, I don't have any sense that I am communicating with Amy now. I feel like I am communicating with my ex-wife or her new husband.

If the real defects have really been fixed PERMANENTLY, and if the "non-existant" defects really are non-existant, then closer inspection should be welcomed by any honest seller. From the response it looks like there really is something about that house she wants to hide from a potential buyer...........

Love,


Bub

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