Wednesday, December 31, 2003
ACH! MEIN GOTT!! ze world is schpinning zo fast!!
Well.............it's been a hell of a year, on top of a year that was "a hell of a year", which was the follow-up to 2-3 years of the worst years of my life. I used to look forward to each year, and the fun parties at the end of each one. I never made one resolution that I didn't keep. I've only ever made one resolution.
The resolution I made for that new year, many years ago, was not to smoke cigarettes ever again. At the time, I was going through 3 packs a day and realized that I was out of control, and needed to stop. It was in early December, and I decided that when the ball dropped in Times Square, I would never smoke again. In each of the days which remained to me as a smoker, I smoked constantly, enormously, even when I really didn't want to smoke another cigarette. I kept smoking and smoking and smoking.....................
When the ball dropped and the New Year was born, I extinguished my last cigarette (before I was done smoking it completely) , and walked into the kitchen in the apartment in Prospect Heights, IL. I turned on the cold water, turned on the Disposall, and one by one, threw all of my cigarettes into it. Then I emptied all of the ash trays into a garbage bag, and walked across the snowy parking lot to the dumpster, and threw away that stinky element of my life. I washed out the "good" ashtrays" (my father in law and mother in law were not only alcoholics, they were tobacco addicts too, so I had to keep a couple of ashtrays around). I threw the rest of the ashtrays into the dumpster with the bag of cigarette butts.
On my way baack to the apartment., I stopped at my car and retrieved my "emergency" pack of Marlboros from beneath the driver's seat. I took it upstairs, where it was fed to whirling blades and teeth of that machine in the kitchen sink.
I had done it! I had taken the first step! It was also the last step. I never smoked again.
Cigarettes are like my ex-wife. They cost a lot of money, they destroy you in many ways, you get used to them degrading you after a time, they leave a foul taste in your mouth, and when they're done, all you have left is a dirty butt, and an evil smell.
This year, my resolution will be to continue to try to enable my daughter to get close to me again. I have my blog site, which people are starting to link to their sites, which in turn, may enable my daughter or one of her friends to find my site and contact me, when she can.
Since moving to California, I've probably consumed about 10 bottles of beer, 6 Margaritas, 2 rum and Cokes, and maybe 6 bottles of wine (with Laura....at dinner). I'm closer to saintly behaviour than at any time in my life........I just want my daughter back, and then I can get on with my life.
HAPPY NEW YEAR AMY!
Bub
Tuesday, December 30, 2003
Hi Amester,
Does swimming with dolphins cure Mad Cow Disease??
I just got back from a walk, a haircut, and picking up Laura's sporty little convertible. and I felt like leaving you a little note.
I wonder if your mother will ever allow you to contact me, or if you will ever do it on your own.
Remember the fun things we used to do together, and when you do remember those things........know that I remember you every day.
"................you don't have to tell us the contents of the sandwich!"
I love you and miss you so much, and am ready to welcome you into my life every day.
Bub
Does swimming with dolphins cure Mad Cow Disease??
I just got back from a walk, a haircut, and picking up Laura's sporty little convertible. and I felt like leaving you a little note.
I wonder if your mother will ever allow you to contact me, or if you will ever do it on your own.
Remember the fun things we used to do together, and when you do remember those things........know that I remember you every day.
"................you don't have to tell us the contents of the sandwich!"
I love you and miss you so much, and am ready to welcome you into my life every day.
Bub
Dear Amy,
Turn the speakers on and make sure that no one except you is able to hear the music....then click the link
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aPhWfSeMYHA">
Turn the speakers on and make sure that no one except you is able to hear the music....then click the link
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aPhWfSeMYHA">
For more on MAD cows click on the link above::
I Love You,
Bub 
Monday, December 29, 2003
"Often, when a woman has reached a certain level of experience, only then is she able to paint an accurate portrait of her mother's behavior and of her childhood and adolescent reality. It is also then that she grows angriest."
The above is also an excerpt from a piece about women whose mothers(and fathers) were alcoholics.
The above is also an excerpt from a piece about women whose mothers(and fathers) were alcoholics.
Dear Amy,
Here's a little more info for you to consider when thinking about your mother and her behavior:
"Some children of alcoholics may act like responsible "parents" within the family and among friends. They may cope with the alcoholism by becoming controlled, successful "overachievers" throughout school, and at the same time be emotionally isolated from other children and teachers. Their emotional problems may show only when they become adults."
She is a walking timebomb.............or a hidden landmine..............she seems normal until you know her, and then she becomes the most dangerous, because you have become accustomed to her odd behavior and accept it as normal. Then, she has a meltdown and throws you out.
Love,
Bub
Here's a little more info for you to consider when thinking about your mother and her behavior:
"Some children of alcoholics may act like responsible "parents" within the family and among friends. They may cope with the alcoholism by becoming controlled, successful "overachievers" throughout school, and at the same time be emotionally isolated from other children and teachers. Their emotional problems may show only when they become adults."
She is a walking timebomb.............or a hidden landmine..............she seems normal until you know her, and then she becomes the most dangerous, because you have become accustomed to her odd behavior and accept it as normal. Then, she has a meltdown and throws you out.
Love,
Bub
Dear Amy.
Don't le her force you to change your name. I've written to the judge to tell him that I oppose ANY name change while you are still a minor. When you're no longer a minor, and no longer bullied by your mother, I will say nothing if you want to change your name. I'll be disappointed, but will understand that it something YOU want to do, and feel strongly about.
I love you,
Bub
Don't le her force you to change your name. I've written to the judge to tell him that I oppose ANY name change while you are still a minor. When you're no longer a minor, and no longer bullied by your mother, I will say nothing if you want to change your name. I'll be disappointed, but will understand that it something YOU want to do, and feel strongly about.
I love you,
Bub
Once a family of 3 went to Walt Disney world. The wife and mother thought it would be "cool" if she could tell her sister and her co-workers that she had gone swimming with sharks. She told her husband that she wanted to do it, and he said that he would too, but only after they had found someone to take care of their daughter.
The wife/mother screwed up her face angrily and proclaimed that the daughter was going to swim with the sharks too!
The daughter, a tiny blonde girl of scant years, said what any NORMAL person would say when told that she was going to swim with sharks. She said "I don't want to". The scrawny mother, whose face was already twisted into an angry scowl, began to berate the child loudly, in public, in front of other people who were nervously preparing to enter the water, but who had left their children in the custody of DisneyWorld employees.
To everyone's astonishment, the angry mother shrieked that ".......no child of mine is going to be a goddamned coward, and no child of mine is going to get out of swimming in the water with sharks because she was too goddamned chicken." I told my ex-wife to stop her misbehavior immediately, and to apologize to our daughter, to which she replied "....You go to hell and take her with you!!" Strapping on her wetsuit, she proclalimed "I'M going to swim with the sharks!!!" I calmed her down, and spoke with our daughter, assuring her that she DID NOT HAVE TO SWIM WITH SHARKS". I told her that I would stay with her while her mother swam with the sharks. I told her that if she DID swim with the sharks, it would be an important accomplishment for her personally. I also told her that she could tell her friends that she had done so.
We finally agreed that she would swim, as long as I was right behind her to defend her from the sharks which might sneak up on her from behind. If she was going to swim with sharks, she wanted to SEE where the sharks were, and she wanted any blindspots covered. (A VERY smart girl!)
She and her angry mother swam in front of me. One shark of about 3 feet in length suddenly swam between my daughter and me, and I instantly thought about how wise she had been to have been concerned about being attacked from behind by a shark. When we all got out, my daughter was blue and shivering. The water was very chilly. I gave her some towels, bundled her up hugged her, and got her warm. Her mother got dressed and was waiting impatiently for us.
She never apologized to our daughter for her outburst of rage and profanity, and never congratulated our daughter for having conquered her fear.
I have never forgotten how cruelly and contemputously that mother treated her daughter that day, and there were many more days like that before that day, and there were many more days of cruelty and contempt in store for my daughter from her mother.
I am saddened that I'm not there to protect you from your mother's instability, insanity, cruelty, stupidity, and just plain malice and resentment.
Amy, if you can read this..............never forget that I love you, and always hold on to that. The way that we both expected life to be has been destroyed, but life has not been destroyed, and love lives forever.
Bub (still ready to grab that shark)
Hi Amester!
How's it going up where you are?? No snow here, but another Pacific storm is on its way and should hit us today and tomorrow, dumping more water on this place, so you can be sure that more of California is going to slide soon. The hills around here are pretty barren since the fire, and any rain erodes the soil almost the instant it falls.
I really hope that you are having a good vacation and that you are really doing well in ALL aspects of your life and being. I'll write a little more to you later.
I love you,
Bub
How's it going up where you are?? No snow here, but another Pacific storm is on its way and should hit us today and tomorrow, dumping more water on this place, so you can be sure that more of California is going to slide soon. The hills around here are pretty barren since the fire, and any rain erodes the soil almost the instant it falls.
I really hope that you are having a good vacation and that you are really doing well in ALL aspects of your life and being. I'll write a little more to you later.
I love you,
Bub
Sunday, December 28, 2003
Good Morning Amy,
I had hoped to receive a Christmas card from you, but my hopes were to no avail. I thought that a card would be a nice lift up the run of my sagging spirits. No card, no coal, not even any powder..............just another sitzmark in life. I hope you got my card and used that money well.
All for now................gotta make breakfast. Laura's Mom, one of her brothers and his daughters came into town for a visit, and they'll be over for breakfast in about 30 mins.
I love you!
Bub
I had hoped to receive a Christmas card from you, but my hopes were to no avail. I thought that a card would be a nice lift up the run of my sagging spirits. No card, no coal, not even any powder..............just another sitzmark in life. I hope you got my card and used that money well.
All for now................gotta make breakfast. Laura's Mom, one of her brothers and his daughters came into town for a visit, and they'll be over for breakfast in about 30 mins.
I love you!
Bub
Saturday, December 27, 2003
Hi Amester!
I hope that you had a wonderful Christmas and that you're having a good time where you are now. Be safe. Be careful, and get all the good fun you can while there is good fun to be gotten.
I love you,
Bub
I hope that you had a wonderful Christmas and that you're having a good time where you are now. Be safe. Be careful, and get all the good fun you can while there is good fun to be gotten.
I love you,
Bub
Dear Amy,
The grass in my ex-yard is greener than the neighbor's grass because every year I spread 40lbs of premium Kentucky Bluegrass seed in an effort to choke out the rye grass and weeds that were in our neighbor's yards. That looks like a white Lexus in the driveway. The pool is closed, but the deck furniture is out. Maybe she can't even pay anyone to do the things I used to do............like powerwash the deck furniture and carry it down to the basement for the winter.
I'm STILL damned proud of the way the lawn looks!!
Scroll down through this blog to see the pool when it was open!
Friday, December 26, 2003
Dear Amy
I hope that you are able to read these daily notes.
I love you,
Bub
I hope that you are able to read these daily notes.
I love you,
Bub
Thursday, December 25, 2003
Dear Amy,
Today is Christmas day. It was a lonely day for me. Laura's daughters came to visit her, and her son called her. Her mother called her. Her brothers called her. We watched a Christmas eve celebration from Holy Name Cathedral in Chicago on WGN last night, and today, we exchanged a few small gifts and enjoyed a meal together.
During this entire Christmas holiday season, I've tried very hard to conceal how I really feel about having had my daughter stolen from me by my ex-wife , and I've tried to write humorous things. I've tried not to think about you, but I still think about you, and remember you as fondly and lovingly as always.
My only prayer was that we will be able to get back together. My only dark thought is that God gives her the same intense type of pain that she has caused me, and you.
She shunned her mother for years because she was an alcoholic, but she snuggled up closer to her father, who was equally an alcoholic, and in reality, was more so than her mother. Her father had money, and your mother wanted to assure her place in his will.
She is the child of drug addicted parents, and her anger and distorted views of the world are having an inevitable effect and influence on you. Don't expect her sibling to be any better....same parents............same sickness. They are 2 sick beings who know that they are equally twisted, and each enables and lies to everyone else about everything.
Remember that I love you.
Bub
Today is Christmas day. It was a lonely day for me. Laura's daughters came to visit her, and her son called her. Her mother called her. Her brothers called her. We watched a Christmas eve celebration from Holy Name Cathedral in Chicago on WGN last night, and today, we exchanged a few small gifts and enjoyed a meal together.
During this entire Christmas holiday season, I've tried very hard to conceal how I really feel about having had my daughter stolen from me by my ex-wife , and I've tried to write humorous things. I've tried not to think about you, but I still think about you, and remember you as fondly and lovingly as always.
My only prayer was that we will be able to get back together. My only dark thought is that God gives her the same intense type of pain that she has caused me, and you.
She shunned her mother for years because she was an alcoholic, but she snuggled up closer to her father, who was equally an alcoholic, and in reality, was more so than her mother. Her father had money, and your mother wanted to assure her place in his will.
She is the child of drug addicted parents, and her anger and distorted views of the world are having an inevitable effect and influence on you. Don't expect her sibling to be any better....same parents............same sickness. They are 2 sick beings who know that they are equally twisted, and each enables and lies to everyone else about everything.
Remember that I love you.
Bub
Wednesday, December 24, 2003
MERRY CHRISTMAS AMY!
I LOVE YOU,
Bub
Tuesday, December 23, 2003
Dear Amy,
FIRST OF ALL......I HAVE WRITTEN TO THE COURT TO BLOCK YOUR MOTHER'S EFFORT TO CHANGE YOUR NAME. IF YOU WANT TO CHANGE YOUR NAME WHEN YOU ARE NO LONGER A MINOR, THEN ........YOU SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO DO IT.
CHANGING YOUR NAME NOW IS SOMETHING I STRENUOUSLY OBJECT TO, AND HAVE ASKED TO COURT TO DENY UNTIL YOU ARE LEGALLY OLD ENOUGH TO DO IT YOURSELF.
It’s almost Christmas, and your mother is still keeping us from having any contact. I know that she must have filled your head with many stories, but I know that you still have the memories of the things we did together. I know that you remember the things we used to do together..........selling girl scout cookies, driving all over Illinois and Wisconsin looking for Beanie Babies,..............and all of the other things too. I know that we would leave the house when she would go on a rage, and we would have fun together. I just remembered the time in Antigua that she started screaming at us on the dock as we walked back to the ship. The guy with the baggy pants was in front of us and she just started screaming at me because you wanted to walk down a street to look at dolls, and I said we could. She said you had enough dolls and she wanted to go down a different street and look at purses or something. I told her that she should go down the street she wanted, and I would accompany you to look at dolls, and we would meet her on "her" street.
She stormed off, and you and I went to look at dolls. You didn't see any that you liked, so we met her on "her" street. On the way back to the ship, she began to complain loudly about how I always let you do whatever you wanted. I told her that you were only going to be a child once, only going to be in Antigua once, and I thought that we should do everything we could to make your childhood fun and as "magical" as we could. I told her that if you had found a doll you you liked, I would have bought it for you, just as I would have bought her another purse if she had found one she liked.
She exploded and started screaming that she was going to spend the rest of the cruise in the cabin, and that you and I could go to the Captain's party together.................without her!
That memory just came back to me. Maybe you will remember it too. Maybe you will remember it, and it will remind you of who REALLY loved you, and who REALLY raised you, and who made your childhood possible.
I don't know what you've been told. I know that you've been told many lies and many twisted stories. I don't have the ability to defend myself because we can't communicate freely. You need to have a roof over your head, and you need food, and I know that she is mean enough to threaten you with being thrown out of the house if you don't do what she wants, and say what she wants you to say.
She CANNOT stop me from LOVING YOU!!!
FIRST OF ALL......I HAVE WRITTEN TO THE COURT TO BLOCK YOUR MOTHER'S EFFORT TO CHANGE YOUR NAME. IF YOU WANT TO CHANGE YOUR NAME WHEN YOU ARE NO LONGER A MINOR, THEN ........YOU SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO DO IT.
CHANGING YOUR NAME NOW IS SOMETHING I STRENUOUSLY OBJECT TO, AND HAVE ASKED TO COURT TO DENY UNTIL YOU ARE LEGALLY OLD ENOUGH TO DO IT YOURSELF.
It’s almost Christmas, and your mother is still keeping us from having any contact. I know that she must have filled your head with many stories, but I know that you still have the memories of the things we did together. I know that you remember the things we used to do together..........selling girl scout cookies, driving all over Illinois and Wisconsin looking for Beanie Babies,..............and all of the other things too. I know that we would leave the house when she would go on a rage, and we would have fun together. I just remembered the time in Antigua that she started screaming at us on the dock as we walked back to the ship. The guy with the baggy pants was in front of us and she just started screaming at me because you wanted to walk down a street to look at dolls, and I said we could. She said you had enough dolls and she wanted to go down a different street and look at purses or something. I told her that she should go down the street she wanted, and I would accompany you to look at dolls, and we would meet her on "her" street.
She stormed off, and you and I went to look at dolls. You didn't see any that you liked, so we met her on "her" street. On the way back to the ship, she began to complain loudly about how I always let you do whatever you wanted. I told her that you were only going to be a child once, only going to be in Antigua once, and I thought that we should do everything we could to make your childhood fun and as "magical" as we could. I told her that if you had found a doll you you liked, I would have bought it for you, just as I would have bought her another purse if she had found one she liked.
She exploded and started screaming that she was going to spend the rest of the cruise in the cabin, and that you and I could go to the Captain's party together.................without her!
That memory just came back to me. Maybe you will remember it too. Maybe you will remember it, and it will remind you of who REALLY loved you, and who REALLY raised you, and who made your childhood possible.
I don't know what you've been told. I know that you've been told many lies and many twisted stories. I don't have the ability to defend myself because we can't communicate freely. You need to have a roof over your head, and you need food, and I know that she is mean enough to threaten you with being thrown out of the house if you don't do what she wants, and say what she wants you to say.
She CANNOT stop me from LOVING YOU!!!
Sunday, December 21, 2003
Mothers ARE NOT better parents than fathers!
Laura and I have been attending church occasionally, and we went yesterday. The minister spoke of their need to call Christmas by its name, and not allow it to be stripped of its identity and meaning, and simply called "the holidays". I could have run up there and hugged the man............
We aren't church goers, but occasionally go there. The minister referred to people such as we as "members of Churchianity", because we are Christians who only go to church occasionally. We have a basic belief in the underlying goodness of Christianity, but no clear understanding of what it means, because it has been interpreted so differently by so many denominations, sects, and other groups......each claiming the divine mandate. At this point........I'm simply amazed that I'm willingly going to church at all, and listening and thinking instead of scratching and fidgeting. It seems that when we go, we always sit one pew in front of a 50 - 60 year old woman whose past included some kind of voice training, or whose voice simply has an uncontrollable tremolo. I can't concentrate on anything but her quivering, wavering, loud voice. The one yesterday had lost the sweetness from her voice, and her singing reminded me of when Grandma would shriek "FLINCH!!!!"
I have been searching online for pretty little bits of art work that symbolized the sweet things I remember about Christmas. I have a fierce need to defend the name of Christmas in the face of the Jewish onslaught against the use of the name of Christ, and Christmas. I have the same passionate need to tell people who use "Xmas" instead of "Christmas" that they are offending me by their voluntary disrespect of the name of Christ. They usually have some half-assed defense ready, but when I suggest that "David" should be called"Yid", and "Hanukah" should be called "Xkah", they bristle and suggest that I'm being deliberately anti-semitic. They seem astonished when I agree that I AM being anti semitic, but only in the same way that they are being anti-Christian. That always confuses them. Their culture has taught them that it's acceptable to mock Christians, Muslims, and anyone else who is not of the Jewish faith.
Laura and I were in Von's the day before yesterday, and I noticed Mylar balloons at every cash register, each proclaiming "Happy Hanukah", and saw lots of displays for food, gifts, and wrapping paper which also said "Happy Hanukah" Except for a few magazine covers, there was NOT ONE THING in that whole store which used the word "Christmas" much less wished anyone a Merry Christmas. There were lots of things with red and green on them, the word HOLIDAY was over-used, but somehow...............all of the manufacturers of all of the products, and all of the advertisers managed to omit the word "Christmas", and though they managed to wish the Jews a "Happy Hannuka", they thought so little of the rest of us (the majority), that they didn't think it was important enough to wish us a "Merry Christmas"
I know that it is considered bad form to speak ill of the Jews, and I'm sure that not all of them have such dislike, disrespect, and hate for for Christmas, but someone has to take a stance, and I've decided that I will be one of those who stands up in defense of Christmas.
today!
Laura and I have been attending church occasionally, and we went yesterday. The minister spoke of their need to call Christmas by its name, and not allow it to be stripped of its identity and meaning, and simply called "the holidays". I could have run up there and hugged the man............
We aren't church goers, but occasionally go there. The minister referred to people such as we as "members of Churchianity", because we are Christians who only go to church occasionally. We have a basic belief in the underlying goodness of Christianity, but no clear understanding of what it means, because it has been interpreted so differently by so many denominations, sects, and other groups......each claiming the divine mandate. At this point........I'm simply amazed that I'm willingly going to church at all, and listening and thinking instead of scratching and fidgeting. It seems that when we go, we always sit one pew in front of a 50 - 60 year old woman whose past included some kind of voice training, or whose voice simply has an uncontrollable tremolo. I can't concentrate on anything but her quivering, wavering, loud voice. The one yesterday had lost the sweetness from her voice, and her singing reminded me of when Grandma would shriek "FLINCH!!!!"
I have been searching online for pretty little bits of art work that symbolized the sweet things I remember about Christmas. I have a fierce need to defend the name of Christmas in the face of the Jewish onslaught against the use of the name of Christ, and Christmas. I have the same passionate need to tell people who use "Xmas" instead of "Christmas" that they are offending me by their voluntary disrespect of the name of Christ. They usually have some half-assed defense ready, but when I suggest that "David" should be called"Yid", and "Hanukah" should be called "Xkah", they bristle and suggest that I'm being deliberately anti-semitic. They seem astonished when I agree that I AM being anti semitic, but only in the same way that they are being anti-Christian. That always confuses them. Their culture has taught them that it's acceptable to mock Christians, Muslims, and anyone else who is not of the Jewish faith.
Laura and I were in Von's the day before yesterday, and I noticed Mylar balloons at every cash register, each proclaiming "Happy Hanukah", and saw lots of displays for food, gifts, and wrapping paper which also said "Happy Hanukah" Except for a few magazine covers, there was NOT ONE THING in that whole store which used the word "Christmas" much less wished anyone a Merry Christmas. There were lots of things with red and green on them, the word HOLIDAY was over-used, but somehow...............all of the manufacturers of all of the products, and all of the advertisers managed to omit the word "Christmas", and though they managed to wish the Jews a "Happy Hannuka", they thought so little of the rest of us (the majority), that they didn't think it was important enough to wish us a "Merry Christmas"
I know that it is considered bad form to speak ill of the Jews, and I'm sure that not all of them have such dislike, disrespect, and hate for for Christmas, but someone has to take a stance, and I've decided that I will be one of those who stands up in defense of Christmas.
today!
Tuesday, December 16, 2003
WHY IS IT THAT SADDAM'S FAMILY DOESN'T WANT THE PEOPLE OF IRAQ TO BRING HIM TO JUSTICE IN IRAQ?
See this interesting article from Al Jazeera, an Arab news group.
Another interesting piece from the Arab press
It seems that some Arabs feel that having his beard shaved stripped him of his symbols of "virility", but if you recall, ALL images of Saddam Hussein we've seen show him with NO BEARD (and possibly no head lice).
See this interesting article from Al Jazeera, an Arab news group.
Another interesting piece from the Arab press
It seems that some Arabs feel that having his beard shaved stripped him of his symbols of "virility", but if you recall, ALL images of Saddam Hussein we've seen show him with NO BEARD (and possibly no head lice).
Monday, December 15, 2003
Image from BBC website
A really good article from the Sydney Morning Herald
More Arab reaction from World Press Review
I just found this..........click on Saddam
BE ADVISED THAT YOU MAY GET SOME POP-UP TRASH WHEN YOU CLICK THE "Saddam" LINK, BUT YOU CAN EASILY GET RID OF IT.
Saturday, December 13, 2003
Getting a telephone call from the Neptune Society seems like a very bad thing to me. Maybe it's just part of my inability to adjust to the way life has gone downhill since I was a little boy. The Neptune Society will (For a substantial fee) scatter your cremated remains on the ocean. I don't want my remains scattered ANYWHERE while they are still ME. By that, I mean that I am presently what will one day be called my remains, but until that after that day, I don't want ANYONE offering to off me, turn me to dust, and fertilize (or poison) marine life with me.
Knowing that there are tele-ghouls who make their living by telephoning people at home and asking if they'd like to be incinerated and thrown overboard is very creepy to me. While I'm alive, I DO NOT want to receive calls about how every last earthly bit of me could thrown to the maritime breezes (probably an extra $100.00 will get some really good "gone forever more" music like "Feelings", "Amazing Grace", or "What do you do with a drunken sailor?", or maybe even a Barry Manilow tune. The skipper of the death barge will have a good time taking the ashes out to sea, and if the grieving family should elect NOT to accompany the departed on the final voyage and have the ashes of the dead one blown back in their faces, then the skipper could just jettison the powdered loved one a mere 300 yards from shore. This would save the skipper a lot of money.
Knowing that you could be dropped into a polluted, murky green harbor somewhere by a scurrilous sea-dog turned undertaker is enough to erase idyllic fantasies of "eternal life" gained by being jettisoned.
Friday, December 12, 2003
I used to have an AMAZING daughter. Now I don't know what she has become, or what has become of her.
To AMY,
(Picture taken in May, 1992)
I will say again to you that I love you dearly and will ALWAYS welcome you back into my life if you can come back. You should know that you have never been out of my life, never been out of my thoughts, and never been out of my love. I have missed you so desperately since she stole you that life has barely been worth living. Your mother was a twisted and tortured soul when she did that, and may have gotten worse. I can never forgive her for what she did, but since she could never believe that she that she could do anything wrong......she would never be gracious enough to accept forgiveness......which is good, because I have none for her.
It is YOU I am worried about. As a child, you used to tell me that you were glad I was around to protect you from her erratic behavior and arbitrary rules, and her mean-spirited nature. Since she has taken you, I haven't been able to shield you from her, and I'm afraid of what she may have done to you.
I LOVE YOU.
President and Mrs. Bush attend a demonstration of Japanese tactics employed by them at Pearl Harbor. The horseman pictured represents the American Pacific Fleet. Note the arrows in his back.
Thursday, December 11, 2003
CALIFORNIA TOO SMALL FOR NEW PICKUP TRUCKS - BUSH TO ATTACK Germany,
France, Japan, China, India AND Paris TO TAKE THEIR ROADS!"
Bush proclaimed from his seat in Helicopter One that "...Russian roads are bullshit and need to be rebuilt, but we'll need to bomb them before we can send American Companies over there to rebuild them!"
WE NEED MORE GOD DAMN LAND" said Bush as he boarded Air Force Once on his way to cheer the troops in Barbados, which he recently attacked for having better rum than Puerto Rico.
"China, Japan, and India, Germany, France, and Paris are the first targets of Geoge W. Bush's new attack on the enemies of Capitalism,democracy, Republicanism, Capitalism, and the ongoing war against WMD (not an acronym, just a handy group of letters)
"Bush cited the necessity of attacking Paris because it seems to him that Paris has some strong connections to the French, who are not the friends of Democracy." Once buckled onto his Air Force Once Presidential Futon, Bush put a fighter pilot's helmet on his head and proclaimed that the United States will be unswerving in its opposition to WMD".
The movie being shown aboard Air Force Once on the flight to Barbados was scheduled to be "Fail Safe", but was changed to "Dr. Strangelove" at the request of the Chairman of the WOWMD, an astological adviser to Bush, who was to also to receive a briefing from scientists at the Lawrence Livermore Laboratories on the use of Air Force and Army lasers in space to brand cattle as the grazed and slept on the range. Unsubstantiated rumors persist about thousands of Argentinian, Australian, and Chilean cows being exploded on the ground or vaporized at night by unseen forces, but the Livermore scientists declined comment when asked if the presidential lasers were being used to drive up the cost of beef by reducing the supply of beef from other countries. Mr. Bush is quoted as saying "You don't see no damn cows from Venezuela exploding do you?? Why don't you ask the Venezualans about why they are killing these innocent cows with their saddle lights??" "How the hell can our saddle lights be killin' THEIR cows??"
Aides explained to the indignant and red-faced, Mr. Bush that a satellite was not the same as a "saddle light".
In an uncharacteriscally sarcastic moment, British Prime Minister Tony Blair said that his cows were mad as hell.
It's a cold day in the dark regions of Cyberia, the source, and destination, of most of my communications. Not even a slice of SPAM today. Even the crapmasters have found me less than worthy of their attention. I wouldn't send me any SPAM either. I ignore it, refuse to look at it, and have several SPAM-blocking filters and data minefields to stop and kill SPAM before it gets to me.
POP-UPs are another huge annoyance, but I haven't even had any of those today. I never read pop-ups. I "click the "X" box at the top right of the screen, which is probably exactly what the senders of POP-UPS want us all to do. In some negative, perverse way, it proves to the idiots who pay them that the POP-UP has been seen. It seems like getting punched in the face so that you can prove that you've had personal contact with a fist.
I said that I don't read POP-UPs. I don't. That doesn't prevent me from noticing that once-respected corporate logos, such as that of American Express, are being popped up on my monitor. Which idiots at American Express decided that it would be a good way to spend American Express money by annoying people, and hoping that we were so annoyed by their POP-UP ads obliterating our online activities that we would begin to use their products??
Which idiots fell for the notion that the more you annoy someone, the more they will like you? It seems to be a very effective way to get advertisers to pay you, but I'm not sure that it gets them the favorable attention they want.
If you hate POP-UPs............go to 12 Ghosts and download their POP-UP killer for free.( http://www.tucows.com/preview/304491.html)
Monday, December 08, 2003
We drove to Pacific Beach in Laura's Miata on Saturday afternoon..........in search of a Christmas tree. My Jeep is "coughing" and seems pretty unreliable, so we took her tiny car. She was determined that we were going to have a Christmas tree...............
The place where we bought our tree was as amazingly "California" as California is depicted in the movies. Loud, crashing rock "music" was thundering from a large black plastic garbage bag which had been placed atop a 9 or 12 foot step ladder. A weathered looking guy in his late 50's welcomed us with a yellow-toothed smile and the words "Duuuudes! Welcome to...... (we couldn't understand what he said next, and we moved away quickly to avoid the noise of his radio) His gloves had no fingers. It was about 75F....not really cold enough for gloves........fingers or not. His mudboots were untied, and he was in constant danger of losing one every time he took a step. He was also in danger of stepping on a lace and going into the ground on his face.
Laura and I migrated across the lot, inspecting each tree. Halfway across the lot, we began to hear the Mamas and the Papas, singing "California Dreaming". I liked that music better and began to walk in the direction of the anthem from the 1960's. Soon, I could no longer hear the awful noise from the first radio, and was beginning to believe that the trees in this section were much better! Better music made better trees!
We found a tree we liked..........and then we had to discover and understand the process by which to pay for it.
"Spanky and Our Gang" were blaring from the radio nearest us (Also in a huge black plastic garbage bag, and also mounted on a tall step ladder). A blond woman with a little "Judy Jetson nose" and wearing a knit cap and a huge down coat was making conversation with customers who were lined up in front of her cash register. A teenaged version of the woman at the register was standing in front of a second register, her eyes were glazed, and she probably heard music from neither garbage bag.) I stood in front of her and her cash register to ask her how to pay for the tree. She didn't know that I was there, just 2 - 3 feet in front of her. After an impossible, awkward minute or two elapsed, and I asked her twice whether I could pay her for the tree. After I had asked her the second time, She replied "What?.... tree?"
I knew when I approached her that she wasn't there.........she was somewhere on a beach on a sunny day, or reliving some recent teenage girl exploit. The sky was gray with fog and clouds, and the light was diminishing because it was 4:20 p.m.
She looked toward me through her clear blue eyes and I'm convinced that she saw nothing, and saw no one. I repeated my question and she appeared to have been jolted from her trance as violently as if she had just been struck by a bus. She tried to regain some composure as she said something unintelligible and wiped her nose with the sleeve of her dirty pale blue cardigan. I knew it was pointless to try to get through to the part of her mind that she used for communication, and it didn't seem that she was gong to be capable of any thought for another 30 minutes, so I left and went and stood in Judy Jetson's line, which had grown about 5 people longer by this time. Laura, having moved our tree where it couldn't be seen, came to see what was taking so long.
One of the benefits of Judy Jetson's line was that a hot beverage which was being represented as hot apple cider was available for no additional money, and tiny, cellophane-wrapped candy canes were also available. Small styrofoam cups were stored in dirty, dingy looking red and white Christmas stockings. Risking death or illness from the stockings and the cups, we served ourselves hot cider (apple or not), and I explained to Laura, my experience in the line with the girl in the pale blue sweater.
When it was our turn to ask how to pay for the tree, Judy Jetson became highly animated and began to laugh and blabbered several incoherent things. I asked her again how to pay for the tree, and she began bubbling and fidgeting and smiling again...................I had to tell her that I didn't understand her, and asked if she would explain it slowly. Then, Judy Jetson got REALLY sarcastic and nasty, speaking one word at a time, carefully over-enunciating each syllable. When she was done, she flashed me a bright smile and then entered some numbers into the cash register, which went "chunka chunka CHUNK", and spit out a receipt for $147.83. I told her that we were only buying one tree, and she said "Happy Holidays!", and motioned for the people behind us to come forth and be fleeced.
I told her that the sign said that all trees which had a blue tags cost between $70 - $90, depending on height and "grade", and she told me that I had just bought a tree with a green tag. I told her that she was wrong, but she assured me that she wasn't. I asked her how she knew which tag was on our tree, which now lay hidden in a stack of trees, and had never been seen by her. She told me that "(unintelligible name)" had told her. I reminded her that she was alone at her cash register, had seen NO VISITORS since I had been in line, and also pointed out that we had received no help from anyone in the selection or attempted purchase of our tree.
She smiled a HUGE smile, looked right into my eyes and asked me for $147.83. The people behind us were starting to get agitated and vocal. She said she could get someone to review the invoice with me, but for now, she just wanted me to pay the bill so the other people could buy their trees. I refused. I told her to pause the transaction.........and I went and got the tree, which to her feigned surprise, cost $84.00 according to her own signs and pricing system. The people behind us took great interest in this new twist of sales and pricing, and one of them called a friend who had just bought a tree , and was already enroute home with it.
I had uncovered a scam!
A grubby man I hadn't seen slowly emerged from beneath a black bedspread, under which he had been eating Chinese food with chopsticks..............
His hair was tousled and greasy and he hadn't shaved for 3-4 days, and it had probably been longer since he had bathed last! He looked at me with dead, expressionless eyes and said: ".....smatter?"
He took offense when I ignored him and, tried to pay Judy Jetson for the tree.
She knew that the game was over(for now), and happily offered me a 10% discount to make amends for the "misunderstanding". I refused the discount, and paid her what the pricing system said the tree cost. The girl in the pale blue sweater was showing signs of interest, but receded into another odd place when she spied the Chinese food and began to eat it. The disheveled lout who had been under the black bedspread lost interest in me too when he saw that the vacuum-headed girl was now making his food disappear. They snarled over it like a couple of dogs. He ripped it out of her hands, and went back under his shroud. She went back into her trance. Judy Jetson sent for someone to carry our tree to the car. I carried the tree to the car and he stood around while we loaded it and tied it down with our own cords. He tried to make conversation, but never offered to help.
As we got into the car, he wished us a "Damned Happy Holiday!"
I think he wanted money for watching us load the tree and tie it down.
Our Christmas tree is twinkling and sparkling in the living room..............just seeing it brings back a warm flood of happy memories of when I was a child, and when I had a daughter who was equally immersed in the magic and happiness and love of the Christmas tradition and celebration. I'm saddened by the knowledge that merchants and people who don't celebrate Christmas have been trying to belittle Christmas as a holy day, while still trying to celebrate it THEIR way.
I'm offended by "Xmas" It's "CHRISTMAS!" Jewish people I've spoken to are very sensitive about "Merry Christmas", and "Christmas" and DEMAND that Christmas be called "The Holidays", so as not to exclude them. This is an amazingly evil way to think.
People of other faiths don't want to feel exluded by Christmas, but they don't want Christmas to include the people who celebrate it. In short, they hate Christmas for the religious HOLY DAY it is, but want to be included in the love of the Christmas celebration. These are some confused, arrogant, bigots!
Muslilms I've known don't concern themselves with this issue, and are much more gracious. The same goes for Buddhists, Taoists, and Hindu people I've known (Yes.....I've known many people of other faiths).
If I were Jewish, I would want to be included in my own holidays (such as "Xrosh", "Xkip", and even "Xkka"), and wouldn;t care which holiday the Christians were off celebrating. My Jewish friends and neighbors decorate their homes with Christmas lights, put up Christmas trees in their homes, and use other symbols which have historically been uniquely Christian, used at Christmas. They freely admit that they love the warmth and good feelings of the Christmas season. They are all opposed to the name "CHRISTMAS" being applied to the celebration of CHRISTMAS. They want to celebrate Christmas at Christmas time, when the Christians celebrate Christmas, but they don't want to call it "CHRISTMAS", and they don't want Christians to call it "CHRISTMAS" either. They have decided to call CHRISTMAS "the holdays".
They are offended if I refer to every Jewish holiday as simply "the holiday", saying that Thanksgiving, Halloween, and the Fourth of July are just secular "holidays", and that I shouldn't lump their religious celebrations in the same loose grouping as secular holidays...............but they do that to Christmas and seem amazed that it offends me.
As a Christian, I don't care which holidays the Jews are off celebrating. I think they should eat rock salt, wear little hats, eat chocolate money, burn as many candles as they want, braid their hair, spin pickles, and spin tops until they get sick and dizzy. I belive that they need to leave Christmas alone.
I have never known of a culture which has more demeaning names for people of other races and religions. I've never known of a religion which tales such delight in mocking and quashing other people and other religions. I've never known a culture which is so much like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.
One of the lingering myths of Judaism is that of eternal persecution. Another is that of liberal thinking. The treatment of Palestinians by Israel refutes those myths more eloquently than I could.
If you take things away from people, they will fight back to uphold their ownership of that which you have taken.
Does anyone object to "Xrosh", "Xkip", or "Xkka"? Those used to be Jewish holidays, with proper names, and now they're deliberatley reduced to names which are unrecognizable. ("HEY!!! You can't to that to OUR holy days!!") ("It's rude and dishonours our ancient traditions!!!") (We'll take you to court for discrimination and persecution if you do that to our HOLY DAYS!!") I've suggested shortening the names of EVERYONE'S holy days, and the results are always the same...........OUTRAGE!!
Yam = Abraham, Yid = David, Yth = Ruth, Yos = Solomon, Ymy = Naomi. It's not hard to rename all of those epic people, but WHY would anyone want to do it???
WHY do they NEED to rename Christmas by replacing the name of CHRIST with an X?
Why should we Christians settle for anyone's disrespect?
Crosses have been taken down all across this country, and removed from products and packaging, and even homes in public housing. One company, CDW, used to prevent employees from displaying ANY Christmas decorations at their desk, saying that it offended the owner and the managers and others of the Jewish faith. Even a simple10" artificial green pine tree with no ornaments was banned from my desk, and Mary, the head of personnel told me that I would be fired if I displayed anything which the owner said had ANYTHING to do with Christmas.
Hannukka decorations were displayed all over the building, inside and out. A large sign outside the building said "Happy Hannuka". Sale flyers and catalog were done in red and green, but never mentioned the name "Christmas".
Does anyone object to the removal of Menorahs, or images of Menorahs from public places, or from stores?
Does anyone object to the removal of Stars of David from all advertsing, including products in stores?
Does anyone object to the removal of kosher foods from the aisles and shelves of supermarkets?
Does anyone object to the removal of ...............anything which represents THEIR Jewish religion?????
If so, ask yourselves why you feel that way...........if you're honest, you'll find that you are offended by having your religion diminshed, and defaced, and you'll probably begin to wonder why people find you and your religion so offensive.
You'll possibly begin to wonder if some of your Constitutional Rights would be threatened if people begin to belittle, mock, scorn and eradicate the parts of your religion which you celebrate. You might realize that you are behaving like the intolerant people who terrorized Europe in the 1930's and 1940's.
I know that you don't want to see that parallel, but the WHOLE popluation of the Earth sees it.
In the best spirit of Christmas, I wish everyone all of the good things of the Christian CHRISTMAS tradition.
Thursday, December 04, 2003
UNCLE BEN'S RICE NOW COMMITS RACISM AND GENDER DISCRIMINATION AGAINST MIDDLE-AGED, CAUCASIAN MEN, BY ENDORSING VIOLENCE AGAINST THEM!! WATCH THE UNCLE BEN'S RICE AD DESCRIBED BELOW..........AND WRITE TO Uncle Ben's IF YOU AGREE THAT VIOLENCE AND DISCRIMINATION HAVE NO PLACE IN AMERICA
TO: UNCLE BEN'S::
I am repulsed by your new advertisement, in which people are throwing rice at a wedding.
The message of one of your TV ads is that Uncle Ben's endorses the commission of gratuitous violence against men by women, and is even suggesting that it's "cute". A woman is shown striking a man in the face with her handbag as they both demean themselves, grovelling about on the ground for bits of dirty rice which has been processed by Uncle Ben's.
There is a growing insensitivity towards men by women, and by the companies which are vying for the woman's share of the marketplace. It is disgusting that Uncle Ben's has chosen to join the women who think it is acceptable to display and commit violence toward men.
At the end of the advertisement, another man is thrown down the steps by the crowd of people. The men being beaten are white, and middle aged.
No women are being beaten in your ad. No black people, no Asians, no Hispanics......just middle aged white men.
It is also generally deemed "ecologically wrong" to throw rice at weddings because of the harm it causes birds who eat it.
This ad is highly offensive to ALL people, and so is any company, organization, or person which so clearly endorses ANY type of discrimination and disrespect, and violence again ANY person.
I'm emailing this letter to as many newsgroups as I can.
Uncle Ben's is worse than Darkie Toothpaste when it comes to cultural and racial insensitivity.
A nationwide apology to ALL Americans should be made, and it should address the issue of discrimination against middle aged Caucasian men. Uncle Ben's is cynically turning one gender against the other in order to "increase market share"
It' s a very good thing that Uncle Ben's doesn't manufacture handguns!!
Wednesday, December 03, 2003
Dear Daughter Amy
Sometimes when you decide not to make a choice, it has the same effect as if you’d made a choice. (Not making a decision is the same as making a decision). It’s beginning to feel like you’ve done that. It feels like you’ve made a decision to put me in the background, and keep me there. It makes me very sad and feels very bad to acknowledge that, but in the light of the evidence, it’s hard for me to deny it anymore, and very unhealthy for me to try to live in that world alone.
Except for your last card about your teeth, your letters have seemed deliberately sterile and unaffectionate
For a few years, I’ve carried with me, and lived for, the memory of a special daughter and a special relationship. For whatever reasons, you have decided to bail out of that memory and I’m left standing with the remnants of it on the floor around my feet. My friends in Illinois, Cali, and elsewhere have been gently telling me that my memories are just memories and that the relationship is not real anymore, and I have been telling them that they’re wrong. The evidence supports their statements, so I am at another juncture at which I must examine the facts, the same way you have.
I will never close you out of my life or my love. I want you to be my daughter, and I want you to love me……….even with a fraction of the love I have for you. I have to get on with my life, and I can’t do it by waiting for you at some now-lonely place in our once happy past. If you decide that you want a father who loves you, then call me, write me, or find another way to communicate with me. If you don’t want a father who loves you, I will know that from your actions if there are no words from you which say so.
That’s all I can write at this time. I’ll save this and will mail it to you later, but I’m going to copy it and post it with some little graphic.
I love you,
Your Daddy
Thanksgiving has come and gone again. I remember the Thanksgivings at our house, with all of your mother’s relatives coming over for a feed. .
I thought about you at Thanksgiving, remembering that I spent 2 Thanksgivings alone in hospitals, and once had Thanksgiving dinner alone at the Full Moon restaurant on Highway 41 in North Chicago. When someone you love dumps you, you’ll begin to understand how I felt then, and how I feel now.
Christmas is looming large. I got our Christmas things out of our storage unit. Your mother still has Christmas ornaments which have been in my family for a long time. Please take care of them. Do you still put the little Christmas village out? She hated the little village when I started buying the components, just like she hated it when I put lights outside the house. I did it anyway because I had rights too. Perhaps you remember how she would decide to throw our things away?
I still have the tree you gave me. That tree meant so much to me when you gave it to me, and it still does. I knew that you had to spend most of your limited money on it, but you did anyway, so that I could have a tree. I still have the gift tag you wrote. It’s in the Jeep, which is in need of repair. I treasure everything about you.
I’m not angry anymore, just disgusted. I don’t have anything for her except disgust and revulsion, and I pray when I go to sleep, that her craziness and neurotic behavior is not rubbing off on you.
Your mother and her sister are the products of drug-addicted parents and the unrealistic expectations of a materialistic Midwest town. It’s not entirely their fault that they are what they have become………..
I’m getting sad now, so I’ll stop here. I will finish this and send it you soon. I hope that you’ve been able to view my blog. I’m trying to make it interesting, and still trying to communicate with you. Please click the “Cows with Guns” link…………it’s very funny………illustrated by a 23 year old student from Norway.. The song was written and sung by a guy from Seattle, and the trumpets and chorus are provided by the Mariachis at his favourite Mexican restaurant!
I hope that you had a good Thanksgiving, and that you are happy. I remember you every day. I will help you when I can………..there is much you don’t know about my situation.
Love,
Daddy
