Thursday, December 11, 2003
CALIFORNIA TOO SMALL FOR NEW PICKUP TRUCKS - BUSH TO ATTACK Germany,
France, Japan, China, India AND Paris TO TAKE THEIR ROADS!"
Bush proclaimed from his seat in Helicopter One that "...Russian roads are bullshit and need to be rebuilt, but we'll need to bomb them before we can send American Companies over there to rebuild them!"
WE NEED MORE GOD DAMN LAND" said Bush as he boarded Air Force Once on his way to cheer the troops in Barbados, which he recently attacked for having better rum than Puerto Rico.
"China, Japan, and India, Germany, France, and Paris are the first targets of Geoge W. Bush's new attack on the enemies of Capitalism,democracy, Republicanism, Capitalism, and the ongoing war against WMD (not an acronym, just a handy group of letters)
"Bush cited the necessity of attacking Paris because it seems to him that Paris has some strong connections to the French, who are not the friends of Democracy." Once buckled onto his Air Force Once Presidential Futon, Bush put a fighter pilot's helmet on his head and proclaimed that the United States will be unswerving in its opposition to WMD".
The movie being shown aboard Air Force Once on the flight to Barbados was scheduled to be "Fail Safe", but was changed to "Dr. Strangelove" at the request of the Chairman of the WOWMD, an astological adviser to Bush, who was to also to receive a briefing from scientists at the Lawrence Livermore Laboratories on the use of Air Force and Army lasers in space to brand cattle as the grazed and slept on the range. Unsubstantiated rumors persist about thousands of Argentinian, Australian, and Chilean cows being exploded on the ground or vaporized at night by unseen forces, but the Livermore scientists declined comment when asked if the presidential lasers were being used to drive up the cost of beef by reducing the supply of beef from other countries. Mr. Bush is quoted as saying "You don't see no damn cows from Venezuela exploding do you?? Why don't you ask the Venezualans about why they are killing these innocent cows with their saddle lights??" "How the hell can our saddle lights be killin' THEIR cows??"
Aides explained to the indignant and red-faced, Mr. Bush that a satellite was not the same as a "saddle light".
In an uncharacteriscally sarcastic moment, British Prime Minister Tony Blair said that his cows were mad as hell.