Monday, June 07, 2004
It's cool and gray here now - June Gloom has begun with force. It is so odd to see a pall of gray hanging in what should be an azure sky. The locals get pretty freaked out when it's overcast, and become morose and panicky on the two or three occasions when it rains in La Jolla. These people would be dangerous if they had to drive in snow or ice!!
Today has been tranquil........I've disengaged from the fray. I still feel very good because of that! If there was a war, but no one came to it...would both sides win, or would both sides have to lose?
I'm still eager to hear about you and your life during the past years, and I'd love to see photos of you. I know that you went to Prom, and I would love to see those photos too! More than anything, I want to hear your voice and see your face and give you a big hug and tell you that I love you!
I want you to know that my love for you is as deep as can be and is completely unconditional. Whatever you do, I will always love you, and I feel that it is important for you to know that such love exists for you.
The times we shared were loving times, and they cannot be erased or legislated out of existence. I remember we foraged Northern Illinois on one of our many Beanie Baby hunts , you looked over at me with a very sweet, happy smile and said "I like doing this." "This is fun!". That memory is worth more than anything which money can buy.
As time has gone by, those memories emerge from the past occasionally, and they sustain me, and help me to be happy.
There have been times when I thought that you had been "re-programmed" by "therapists. I wondered if you had been instructed to hate me. I wondered why you sent so few letters, and why they were so sterile and devoid of feeling. I wondered why you never used the phone card I sent you. I almost sent you another one, but I didn't have enough money to be able to afford to have it thrown away.
There have been times when I felt that I was writing to no one and the few people who read what I wrote dismissed my writing as fiction. There were a couple of times when I almost stopped writing here. Both times, I realized that I had to keep trying to reach you. One thing "LOVE" means is that you never let the other person down, and will ALWAYS do anything and everything within your power to sustain that love and never give up on the other person. All of the memories of the fun we had overcame the pain of having you taken away.
I have never given up on you and I never will.
NEVER allow ANYONE to bully you. NEVER allow ANYONE to threaten you. NEVER be afraid to speak your mind, even if you know that it will anger other people. You have a RIGHT to speak your mind, and you have a RIGHT to have your thoughts and feelings heard and respected. Other people have the RIGHT to agree or disagree with you, but if they disagree with you, it DOES NOT MEAN THAT THEY ARE RIGHT AND YOU ARE WRONG!
Controlling people have elaborate "arbitrary rules-punishment-derision-reward scenarios which are always followed by another unhealthy dose of more arbitrary rules- more punishment-more derision- then a reward" cycles......ad infinitum....ad nauseum.
People who have to control others live in a false world where they have defined reality, and then seek to impose their definitions on everyone else. The biggest problem such people always run up against is that they cannot control everybody all of the time.
The inability to have a self based on reality, and the inability to control reality is what sends those people spinning into wild raging behavior.
If you walk away from such behavior, they have to focus that rage on someone else.
Well............enough of that. I wandered miles off of my intended purpose. I get emails from people all the time, asking how you're doing. Except for two or three people, the whole world is on your side.
I am receptive to a civil dialog to end the hate. Today my attorney advised me again to give them every opportunity to match my decision to move away from this awfulness.
With all of my love,