Saturday, March 26, 2005
It's been a while since I wrote anything here so I thought I'd post a little "Hello" to let you know that I'm still here and thinking about you. As soon as I reload a program, I'll post some recent pics.......
It seems that emotional rigor mortis has set in and taken effect on your mother. I have held to the hope that Wayne would encourage her to behave like a normal parent involved in a divorce, but maybe he, too, abused his children as she has abused you, or he is too weak, or she is too strong. Or all of the foregoing.
I still wonder how he would feel if his ex-wife had stolen his kids and denied all contact with them............and I wonder how, if he thinks that he's normal, can he condone her treatment of you, and of me.
She can still relent and encourage a more normal relationship with me, or be forever defined by her bizarre, crazed, manic behavior. I don't know how else I can tell her that I don't want to participate in this hateful behavior of hers.
I think that it is too late for her, and that she will be forever linked to cruelty, child abuse, obsessive-compulsive behavior, a need to control people, and general mental sicknesses which may have been created by having had to live in a house of rage and stupor with her alcoholic father and mother when she was young. She is showing you the rage buried beneath her surface every day of her life. You're too close to see it, but everyone else sees it. Resolve that you will NOT be anything like her when you finally break free of her...............she is not a person to emulate.
Yesterday, Laura and I walked three blocks to the heart of the village so she could shop for shoes. I've always walked past those expensive shoe stores and handbag boutiques and have never gone into any of them. I have never seen an $8,000 price tag on a pair of shoes!! Laura didn't choose those, but was successful in her shoe hunt.
We walked along the coast, pausing to look at the waves, the ocean swimmers, the snorkelers, the seals, and the amazing beauty of this place. Her leg is healing well, but too slowly to suit her. We sat on the rocks and just watched the world go by in all its colours and languages and nuances. La Jolla one of the most cosmopolitan places I've ever lived in! Italians, Iranians, Australians, Lebanese, Russians, Bolivians, Chinese,Argentinians, Germans..............everything!
It's Spring Break in lots of places around here, and Pacific Beach, Mission Beach, and Ocean Beach are all filled with mobs of young people who've just broken out of months of high school and collegiate tedium. Even upscale little La Jolla is full of good looking young people, energetically celebrating their youth and freedom. I don't know if you're doing anythomg over your Spring Break....probably have to wear a prisoner ankle bracelet or be chained to a chair in the living room and given the freedom of 3 potty breaks a day. I'm kidding of course, but I hope that wherever you are and whatever you do, she begins to allow you more freedom to explore life. You've earned it in ways that she never could, and never did. If she doesn't give it to you, you will do what she did - you'll take it with more than normal intensity!
(Ask her why she did so much of what she did as soon as she got to little Lincoln College!)
She used to tell me that she behaved that way because her parents were so restrictive. She can't see that she's more repressive than her parents.
Well, enough of her, you already know what she's done, and what she is like. So does she, and like her alcoholic parents, she denies that she has a problem, even though the rest of the world can see that she is a behavioral drunkard in a different way. Wayne enables her behavior. I wonder what he gets from his role as the "enabler" in their relationship? There....I've done it again.........she's still an intrusive presence, even from 2,000+ miles away. She's done a lot of harm to you and you will need time and help to recover from her.
I hope you'll be able to have a good Spring Break.
With all of my love,