Monday, February 28, 2005
I had a dream last night in which we finally met. It was very awkward, and your mother kept trying to intrude. She was angry that we were finally together. In the dream, you were angry, and I was angry, and your mother was near apoplectic. It was the most uncomfortable dream I've ever had. I was unsure whether I could entrust my heart and sensibilities to you, and so I was reluctant. You were angry about car insurance, and I took my cue from that level of emotional attachment and we never got to anything kind or loving. Your mother was forced to leave the restaurant by the manager, but she stood outside the window, raging and making wild, jerky movements.
I awakened feeling sick. It seemed that you had become a little voodoo Judy. As I write this, I am still much shaken by that dream as I don't want to think that you could ever become anything like her. If I never see you again, I will always hope that you were able to become your own person. I know that it was just a dream, and I regard dreams as the machinations of the mind when it is not constrained by the expectations of societal convention.
I still cling to hope for the future, but I must tell you that it is very lonely and oppressively sad out here...............waiting for a reunion which may never come, or which may fall far short of my lowest expectations. Laura received calls today from each of her children. In one day, she had more communication with her kids than I've had with you in six years.
Since I first wrote here that Wayne is a perfect profile match for an al Qaeda operative, I've been contacted by agencies of our government and those of foreign governments. The oddest contact was made by an agency from Thailand. Since they are fearful of an Islamic uprising in their southern provinces, they wanted to know more about him. Each person has been escorted by someone from the US. I was astonished at first that anyone had even read this little blog, but then after I thought about it, I realized that they use bots to scan for key words such as "Wayne is an American citizen working for al Qaeda".
I haven't been watching Beaver cams because it's too depressing to see little images of you flickering about. The image of my hatchet faced ex-wife with a mushroom-shaped ice bag on her head and a thermometer sticking out of her craggy face still haunts me. It's the worst thing I could imagine ever seeing, and I managed to resurrect that image when there must be lots of lovely images of people being eaten by sharks! I suppose that she is another prime reason for avoiding Beaver Street TV!
Time to go............
with all of my love,