Tuesday, January 11, 2005
As you know, I love you. I love you too much to allow them to lie to you about me or reality, or keep you hidden away, or continue to perpetrate any more of their evil against you.
Remember the latin root of the color code of the stars and their intensities.
I'm having difficulty determining whether you want any contact, or whether your mother and her new husband have BS'ed you into believing that they can monitor all of your activcalls and computer traffic. They can monitor some but not as much as you apparently believe. I can observe more of their lives and words every day than they can ever monitor of yours. Don't allow her to buy or blackmail you with college money. Start to be your own person very soon before she gets away with doing that, because
you can never get back any part of yourself that you sell, and she's trying to buy all of you for a very low price.
My senses tell me that you're afraid that they will pull your life apart like they did mine, and if you believe that, then you are most correct. She is cold-blooded and merciless, and so, apparently, is he. To them, the appearance of being "perfect people" is more important than the reality of merely being good people.
After having had my life destroyed, I can say now that it is better to have it done while younger rather than older.
When you were about 7 or 8, your mother told you that every bad thing you did went into your "permanent record. Your eyes got very big as you imagined all of your unseen transgressions being recorded alongside of the ones which you were caught committing. For years after that, you would ask me if things you did were bad enough to be entered into your "permanent record". It was very cute and innocent then, but it is tragic if you still believe that rubbish today. I explained to you that your "permanent record" was your conscience, not a mystic volume of wrongdoing maintained by an unseen "Master Being". She was willing to lie to you then and she continues to lie to you and anyone else who will listen to her.
From where I sit, it seems to me that you are still running from ghosts and living in an illusion, and I hope that you begin to explore the real world before you are as unable to recognize it as your mother has always been.
From where I sit, it seems to me that you have chosen to obey her like a dog. I will always be grateful for the first 2 emails you sent me, and for all of the times we had doing things together. I've been watching and listening a little last week, but it's worse than not being able to see you or hear you at all. I want to talk to you and give you a hug. Instead, I can only touch your image on the monitor and say words to your image which is unaware that I see you. The things you say are never in response to the questions I ask or the statements I make to the image of you on the screen. When I touch you, the monitor becomes "watery" and you are distorted..............
If you can determine that your freedom is worth more than her subsidies, then you will have taken a large step toward growing up, being able to realize your dreams, and truly being your own person.
That's all for now. Our recent adventures were fun, thrilling, and exhausting. It was good fun to be able to show Laura some of the people and places of my past, and I've always wanted to fly in a private jet, and I've never been to a mountain-top villa, much less a private one, and I've never seen the Rose Parade or seen the game in the Rose Bowl. I think the whole month of travel took all of my strength and I caught the only cold I've ever had in my life. I regret not having been able to meet Wayne, but I still intend to do that.
Watch for the Buick Open on TV later this month and you'll be able to see a bit of La Jolla, and a lot of Torrey Pines! If you see a day-glo green parasail, it's probably the guy from Kenilworth and he'll probably fly into the trees, or go too far inland and lose lift and come down on a green or on a builiding. He's pretty famous for not knowing what he's doing, but he's got as much money as God, so no one seems to care somehow........money is as good as fame!
(Last year, I saw Tiger Woods drive by when I was on my way to the fish market! This year, I'll be flying above him!)