Tuesday, November 23, 2004
I've been listening to the sadness induced by the loss of a necklace, and it made me think "How insignificant the loss of any thing is compared to the loss of one's child, and the absence of her love."
I'm determined to get through Thanksgiving and Christmas without being drowned in sadness again, but the reality of life is such that I will spend those holidays drowned in the grief of having lost you.
I'm grateful for the memories of all of the times we had together, and I'm grateful for the companionship and love of Laura, and those are the things which make it possible to live without being consumed by the searing, blinding, devastation of the grief of having a child stolen.
Your mother has a leathery heart.
Her new husband is gone so much that I truly believe that he is staying away from her in the same way that I used to when I preferred to mow the lawn and trim the bushes, being constantly bitten by mosquitoes in the swelteringhumidity and heat of July and August. I preferred to be away from her in the wintry forests when the air was so cold that it burned my lungs with each breath. Ultimately, I withdrew from her into the relative comfort of severe depression.
Her heart and mind span the entire range of love and thought, from A to B.
At the time, I didn't realize that I was trying to get away from her. Now, years later, it is most evident, and so obvious that I amaze myself that I failed to realize it. It's like failing to notice a water buffalo is standing in the spot once occupied by one's favorite chair! How did I miss that??
Wayne probably hasn't realized it yet either. Ask him sometime how he would feel if someone stole his kids and he couldn't communicate with them. Ask him how he can fail to see that his new wife's cruelty to you and me is more sick and twisted than the behaviour of most of the people any of us will ever meet in this life.
He can't acknowledge that she is sick, cruel, and twisted because the price of that admission means having to admit that he has been a part of a monster's scheme of torment. It also means that he has to admit to another major mistake in his life. Ask him what he'd feel if his children were stolen and kept from him.
I have digressed. I didn't mean to make my ex-wife the ugly topic of this post, and I'll probably come back and