Friday, July 02, 2004
Hi Amy (do you prefer "Aime"?),
I just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you now as I sit here looking out on the deep blue of the Pacific Ocean.
As I stood at the edge of the 340 foot high cliffs at Torrey Pines yesterday I wished that you could have been there to enjoy that beautiful place with me! Hangliders, parasailers, and radio controlled gliders share the airspace with hawks, seagulls and crows. ( I even flew an r/c glider yesterday - it reminded of when I used to fly with the old guys, except that I had to dodge the hangliders and parasailers!!)
I really wish that I could speak with you and see you and hug you and fill in the missing bits of each other's lives in the beauty of this environment. (ANY environment would be equally wonderful!)
You can call me collect anytime from any payphone or from any of your friend's cell phones. No matter what your mother or her new husband have told you, they CAN'T track those calls. YOU have to decide whether you want her hate of me to define the way YOU live your life. You're old enough now to make that decision.
If she threatens to throw you out of the house again after you turn 18, there are several families who will open their homes to you and allow you to live in the school district so that you can graduate with your class.
You should not be a pawn or victim of your mother's hate for me. Up to now, you have been. As of now, you still are.
I love you more dearly than I love anyone or anything. I'm trying to do what I can to help you to stand up with dignity and self-respect, and without the constancy of fear of her reprisals.
I'm content to wait until you've graduated if your mother won't allow you to have a normal life. It's important that YOU recognize how twisted her behavior is, and don't use her as a role model. If you do, you'll end up like her......she has money, but nothing else except an embittered heart and a source of frequent flier miles.
She is as addicted to her hatred of me as her parents were addicted to gallon bottles of cheap vodka. Walgreens always had more cheap vodka for them to consume, and as long as I love you, she has an endless supply of hate. She can't make me stop loving you, so she is forced to hate me even more by her own addiction to hate. She is defined by her hatred for me.
That is not a healthy credential for a first grade teacher to have to put at the top of her list of the things which define her, and it would HAVE to be at the TOP of any list about her. It is who she is. (or what she is)
Like an alcoholic, she has lost control.
"The man in this photo has been my personal hero since I first saw him stand up to a column of Communist Chinese tanks, armed only with his shopping bags and his willingness to stand up for a cause he believed in."
That's all for now. I have to take Laura's car to get smogged, and then I have to get some bougainvillea plants, and then I have to go to Torrey Pines to think about you.
With all of my love,