Tuesday, April 27, 2004
I want to point out that my remarks about your mother are not made solely to criticize her, but to attempt to enable you to remember her as she was and still is, and to enable you to understand both sides of the picture. She has paid counsellors and therapists to re-define reality for you, and I want to ensure that you remember the reality of her that was REAL. I have not forgotten her actions and past behaviour, and I am trying to ensure that you don't "forget" them too.
In your situation, you may have had to repress those memories of her in order to survive.
She is what she is. I don't want to change her. I never did want to change her. No one can change her, and no one ever will.
I don't even want to criticize her. I am only concerned for you and how she treats you, and I am concerned by what she has done to you and told you.
Since she has cut us off so completely, I haven't known what you're thinking because you've never been allowed to tell me, except for the 3 Sundays when we were left alone to bowl together. I never asked you about her, or suggested that you should in any way behave in a negative way toward her. I allowed you to express yourself freely, truthfully, and without fear of reprisal.
She ended those fun meetings because she said that you "were a completely different child after only 3 hours!!!" You innocently tried to speak to her later in the day or week as openly as you had spoken to me, and she shut us both down for it.
She's never allowed you to speak freely, so I don't expect to hear your true thoughts for many years...if ever.
For my part.........I will be the best "me" I can be when next we meet. Coming to California to heal and get away from her constantly mean and demeaning behaviour was at the heart of my reason to come here. She had known of my intended move for weeks, but didn't bother to mention it to until 5 minutes before we met for the last time, and then she decided to ruin our last meeting by abusive yelling and arguing and then she decided to end it abruptly, and the last I've seen of you was your tear-streaked face and your little "good-bye" wave.
I keep bringing up her aberrant behaviour because I don't want you to forget it, or worse, have you think of it as "normal".