Tuesday, April 06, 2004
Amy's mother didn't believe that it was "worthwhile" for her to spend time with Amy.
She "didn't have time for that".
She believed that she should use her time by having her nails done, or her teeth bleached, or go shopping for more shoes and purses, or getting her hair bleached, or getting a pedicure and a manicure, and then spend more of the time she didn't have for Amy in a tanning salon, making it look like she was just back from another expensive vacation. She didn't feel that any of her time should be wasted in the upbringing and encouragement of Amy. NEVER in the encouragement of Amy.
Amy's mother used to drive by Amy's preschool everyday, but refused to take her there, or pick her up when preschool was over. She said that she didn't have time. I didn't have much occasion to drive that way, but I DID manage to drive Amy to preschool every day, and pick her up every day, and we had fun in the car, talking about the things which were important to her.
So that others who read the posts below this one understand them, I need to clarify the whole scenario of Amy's mother and her relationship with Amy, her daughter -------
Amy's mother NEVER accompanied Amy to sell Girl Scout cookies, or deliver them (except to her fellow teachers, and ONLY in her buildng). She never took Amyor to hunt for Beanie Babies, or the latest pens, or anything else that AMY was interested in. Only once or twice did she ever take Amy to dance practice.
Amy's mother had NO INTEREST in anything that Amy was interested in, and had no interest in anything that Amy did.
I planned Amy's birthday parties, I even baked her birthday cakes. I coached her soccer teams. I set up the team lunches at the end of each season, and I selected, ordered, and picked up the team's trophies.
Amy taught herself to make colorful little bracelets out of string, which she then sold for a profit to kids in the neighborhood, and to kids in her school. Judi refused to buy her any string when she needed more. I bought her more string and Judi flew into another rage because I did.
Amy taught herself how to do "corn-rows" and french braiding, and the little neighborhood girls paid her to do their hair. If the children came to the house when Judi was there, Judi tried to send Amy off to do some obscure chore she thought of on the spot to prevent Amy from earning money braiding hair.
As far as Amy's mother was concerned, Amy was an obstacle in her way all of the time. I tried to conceal her resentment and disinterest from Amy, but Amy was too smart for that. She knew.
She told me that she knew.
Amy's mother needed Amy for one thing, and one thing only. To her, Amy was a necessary prop in the suburban myth of the family, and a necessary prop for a first grade teacher in the Hawthorn School District. She needed to have a child in her "family" photos.
Amy was always a sweet, lovable, loving child. Judi never saw her as that. To Amy's mother, she was a thorn in the side and a pest. Amy mother only bullied Amy, and belittled her to her face. Every time she belittled Amy, I was there to tell her to stop it, and to apologize to her for treating her that way.
I've heard from our former friends, neighbors, and even some of her colleagues, apologizing to me for having believed Amy's mother's stories. They have stated that they now know that the wrong parent was awarded custody. They were disgusted by the way she used Amy as a weapon against me.
They counseled Amy's mother that trying to destroy the father-daughter relationship Amy and I had was dangerous to Amy, and even immoral. I love Amy and Amy's mother never did. She even told me on a few occasions that she didn't like Amy and found her annoying. I had always taught Amy to do what she knew was the right thing to do, and not to let anyone try to destroy her sense of self, and her self esteem. I also told her that she whould never "dumb down" for anyone. It was her mother's inability to bully Amy while I was there which led her mother to dislike Amy.
Knowing that I love Amy, it was my ex-wife's goal to hurt us both by separating us. In that, she has been more successful than at any other endeavor in her life.
Our friends, neighbors, and my ex-wife's colleagues were also disgusted with her for the way she took the house and my property away from me........while I was being treated with heavy doses of medication for clinical depression and was unable to make ANY decision of ANY magnitude.
Everyone is still amazed that she has kept all my personal belongings in defiance of a court order directing her to return my personal property. She obeys the law only when it is in her best interest to do so.
Her new husband may be too poor to afford stereo equipment of his own, so they continue to keep mine. I would like my sundial too but she has stolen that too.
It does sound like she DOES bully him. She uses him to supply the "husband face" in the "family" photos and he is a good source of frequent flier miles.
My ex-wife always insisted that Amy and I accompany her on her twice yearly forays to the antique(junk) markets in Cedarburg, Wisconsin, and Mukwonego, Wisconsin.
My ex-wife and her sister loved to arise before the sun and drive half an hour or an hour and a half to each of these junk-peddling venues where rusty old cookie cutters and, old broken tricycles, and chipped teapots were sold. They had to walk in mud, and have bratwurst, sauerkraut, and beer for breakfast.
Neither Amy nor I saw value in these activities, so we remained in Pam's uncomfortable little place, ate breakfast at McDonald's, and wandered through Toys R Us, and Menard's hardware...........and then wasted the balance of the day in front of a TV.
My ex-wife was willing to have us drive to her sister's place, and then she would make an additional drive of some 20 -30 miles to the junk fairs, but she was NEVER willing to visit the marsh at Horicon, or the Experimental Aircraft Association in Oshkosh Wisconsin. Neither of those places was any farther than the junk shows, but my ex-wife always said that they were "too far away".
I went to several junk shows with her before Amy was born, and with Amy, drove her to her sister's many more times before I told her that I didn't want to be her chauffeur anymore. Amy also told her that she didn't enjoy wasting a day in McDonald's, the toy store, and the hardware store.
My ex-wife went into a rage. A white-hot irrational rage. She does that when the "Norman Rockwell" image she has of her life is tainted by reality, or by the concerns and interests of others.
In her mind, the 3 of us would drive to Wisconsin, spend the night on an uncomfortable sofa-bed while Amy slept on the floor. She and her sister would have their mysterious rubbish shopping ritual while Amy and I wasted the day in a small condo in a town which had nothing but franchise shops and gasoline stations and a bar on every corner. Amy and I did NOT ever enjoy those plans......and Amy's mother became unstable and enraged at hearing of it.
Her "plans" were flawed, and the flaws had been pointed out to her, and she has a dangerous pathological inability to accept being "wrong". She was the only one in our family who wanted to go all that way to tromp around in the early morning cold and muck, and look at junk, and buy some of it. After Amy and I both told her that we no longer wanted to be dragged along on those trips, she tried again to convince me to drive her up there, and I told her that I would only consider going after our trip to the Horicon marsh, and the Oshkosh Experimental Aircraft Association airshow. Both were places I wanted to see.
Amazingly, she told me that those places were too far to drive to.
I told her that she could easily drive herself to her sister's place and back. She then demanded that Amy go with her, and Amy nervously said that she didn't want to go, and I told her that it would be better if she went alone since she was the only one who enjoyed her outing, and that Amy did not have to accompany her if she didn't want to.
Amy's mother then went into a sorrowful story of how she thought it was "our family tradition to go on those outings". I told her politely that it was a tradition which only she and her sister shared because Amy and I were unwilling and incidental participants.
My part of the tradition was to be her driver, and Amy's part of the tradition was to sit in the back seat. Neither of us enjoyed the "family tradition".
What followed next (and on the eve of each subsequent junk sale) was the same type of wailing and howling and then white hot irrational rage that marred our visit to Antigua years later.
I think that she and Pam have finally ceased their odd "tradition" of slogging around mucky fields filled with tents filled with old garbage, so it's not even an issue now. I don't imagine that my ex-wife has tried to entice her new husband into the muddy, sloppy fields of her flea market world.