Monday, January 26, 2004
I heard from one of your mother's attorneys that she has abandoned her quest to change your name. For that, I am grateful to whomever influenced her decision. I sincerely hope that it was you, standing up for your own rights.
I also hope that the same voice of reason which spoke to her about the name change will also speak to her about allowing us to have a normal relationship and normal communications and visitation after all of these years. I still hold onto that hope after all of these years. Soon, you'll be old enough to make that choice yourself, but she will have stolen all of those years from us.
Standing on the cliffs above the Pacific last night, someone said to Laura and me as we watched the sun drop below the horizon "You can't really heal until you've forgiven the person who wronged you". We had been talking about something unrelated, but the message still had a measure of appropriate content to it.
I looked down at the blue ocean, watching as each wave rolled toward the rocks and the beach. The waves were born of a huge deep blue sea, and rose powerfully in broad-shouldered lines as they swept toward the land to crash into everything in their path. As the waves formed, they were dark blue, then rose to light blue, and then continued to rise to a mix of light blue and light green, capped by an agitated white froth, and when they crashed against the rocks, all of the color was driven out of them and they became millions of white droplets, which scattered wildly and then raced back to their identities as parts of the great blue ocean.
I repeated her words in my mind, and wondered if I could ever heal. I can't even imagine being able to forgive your mother for what she did. I have lost the image of her face. I have lost the sound of her voice. I have lost the sting of her angry obsessive-compulsive behavior. I have lost almost everything about her. I HAVE not lost my dismay, my despair, my disbelief, or my anger at her decision and actions to take you away.
I think that I will never be able to forget or forgive her for that unspeakable act of cruelty. Having said that, I feel like I am LESS of a good person because I cannot forgive her for what she did. I am focused on improving myself, and do not dwell on her or her actions, but like the survivors of the Nazi atrocities of WW II, I want to make sure that her atrocities are not forgotten, or whitewashed.
I think that she is seriously emotionally impaired and unbalanced. Her behaviour and her actions are screaming EVERY DAY to the rest of the world that she is a person whose head is filled with "demons". It is inconceivable that a person such as she could be a first grade teacher..............responsible for the care and nurturing of so many little children.
I sat down to write you a little note to congratulate you on being able to keep your name, and got a little sidetracked. I keep overlooking the fact that you are not allowed to use the internet.
I had written you a letter and mailed it to you the same day that the letter from your mother's lawyer arrived..........maybe ESP is a reality after all!
After the lawyer's letter arrived, I phoned him to ask if it really meant what it seemed to say; that your mother was not going to try to change your name.
He verified that.
Everyone wants to know what monsters are loose inside of her head..........what she's thinking, why she is so obsessed with keeping us apart, and why she wanted to change your name. I just tell them that I don't know. Most people think at first that I'm making it up, but after a while, it becomes apparent that this is a "Mommy Dearest" scenario, and they stop asking me about her.
So that you know, I am going to begin to send letters to the court, documenting her efforts to keep us apart, and asking for court assistance and intervention to remedy this situation.
I have started another letter to you in Word, which I will try to finish this afternoon, when I get back from Physical Therapy. Since she still prevents us from phone calls and emails, I'll send it via U.S. Postal service.......I think that I'll just copy this letter and add it to what I've already written(That will be almost the same as if I had sent you an email, except it it won't be the same...........just the same content, minus the photo of my "birthday budgie".
I love you, and still hope to see you someday soon.