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Saturday, November 01, 2003

It's November 1, 2003. In another week, I will have been in La Jolla for a year. I'm sorry that I left Illinois, but I had to leave that state and try to get centered, and start living again. I still remember that your mother told you that I was leaving for California only 10 minutes before we saw each other last. She wanted to hurt you by doing that..............and she did. She enjoyed the pain she caused me, and always looked for new ways to inflict more pain....on both of us. I really believe that she enjoyed the different ways she found to cause each of us pain.

I didn't want to talk abour her..........I just hope that you're aware of who it was that loved you and raised you. Do you remember all of the times she organized your sleep-overs? (Your answer is "NO", because she didn't want you to have sleep overs. Do you remember the times she took you to other girls parties and sleepovers? The answer is "NO" because she didn't want to use her time taking you to your friends' events. Do you remember all of your birthday parties that she planned? The answer is "NO" again because she didn't have time for you and your parties. Except for the parties in the apple orchard, I'm the one who baked your birthday cakes (I paid the orchard to bake and decorate one of your cakes). Do you remember all of the time she went hunting Beanie Babies with you? Again, the answer is "NO". SHe hated those toys and didn't want to waste her time doing something that you enjoyed. Remember all of the times she went out with you to help you sell Girl Scout cookies, and then went out in the rain and snow to deliver them? Once again, the answer is "NO" because she did want to do anything with you.

Do you remember all of the times she took you to preschool and picked you up and took you home? The answer is "NO", once again. She had to drive right by your preschool to get to work and then to get home again, but she refused to take you.
I could write a book about the things she did to avoid loving you and caring about you, but I'm trying to get every vestige of her memory out of my mind. What's important to me is that YOU know how much I loved you then and love you now.

I think that she resented you, and hated me because I wanted to spend my time with you and not with her.

This is a photo I found on the Chicago Tribune website
It was taken in Descanso, California, about 25 miles east of La Jolla

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